Seasick, yet still docked

(photo taken by http://nikitas.deviantart.com)

In a few hours I’m turning 35. My mum says it's the best of all ages, my friends say I look better than ever and people who meet me for the first time think that I am 10 years younger. So what? Who gives a damn about wrinkles and face creams? I don't. I have other issues.

Why is it that I feel like shit ? For all the things I’ve done or those I haven't yet? Because I am running out of time, patience, interest, friends and money? Because it never rains on my birthday? A huge question mark hanging in my head like a hologram.

Until my 29th birthday I thought that the “30 something crisis” people keep moaning about, is a silly thing, something that I would never experience. Now I know it's fucking serious and I keep wondering when does it end? When will I feel normal again?

This year please let's not repeat once more that my birthday coincides with the twin towers disaster anniversary, it’s not funny, you know, it only feeds my depression. I will try to focus on positive silly facts like that Moby was born the same date as myself (and some other millions of people) and we have exactly the same age. A mini review... I am grateful for my luggage so far: family, friends, boyfriends, pets, lots of amazing travels, some people I met, some great books I read, some amazing films and paintings I have seen.

Unfortunately these thoughts always lead to the same dead end. This may sound completely pathetic but I feel that all these people and things that come and go, for a while or forever, are only small details of the painting. I think we are all alone from the beginning until the end, no matter how many people, pets and material things we have around us. This is quiet heavy to bear but that's how it is really. Then I try to think of something that is there forever before and after us, something huge and powerful. And then I feel lucky because I think about the music and how it has made this life worth living more than anything else. My friend M. once told me that music is the only thing that’s worth. I found this statement rather exaggerated and I thought to myself “that’s ok, he’s is an artist and a musician so that’s normal for him”. But the more I think about it now, the more I feel he is right.

There is a track for every single moment and you know what? You don't always need the technology. Sometimes I feel like a living mp3 player. There is always a soundtrack playing in my head. It changes depending on my mood, my flashbacks, the weather, all sorts of inner and outer stimulations. My own very personal portable music library that no-one else can hear.